Pimp My Portal Part 10: Return to Jersey

This series documents my adventures in ultra low-budget, grass roots marketing attempts to drive traffic to my game portal sites, with the hopes of breaking even at $33 a month. For other articles in the series, visit the Pimp My Portal special feature page.


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My last experience with a Fiverr seller from New Jersey had him supposedly driving the ZombieGameWorld.com logo around on his car for a week. i spotted another seller on Fiverr who vowed to shoot a “Jersey Shore-style testimonial”. i took a look at his sample video, and was impressed with his confidence, glasses, and hilarious accent:



i decided to buy this guy’s gig, which meant i’d have to write a ZGW-style script for him. i didn’t know much about Jersey Shore, except that it was a) popular with the kids and b) deplorable. i took a quick spin around YouTube and, after watching a few highlights, felt i had the show pretty much figured out.

Here’s the script i sent to the seller:

What’s up, everyone … it’s The Happenstance comin’ at you with a comPLAINT, for real. The zombie apocalypse is cramping my style. This shit’s gotta get SOLVED.

So i’m at the club, straight-up guido, you know – killin’ it – dancin’ all up on these two girls like them bitches like it, and the living dead come busting ass through the dance floor cuz some asshole forgot to barricade the back door. I was about to get with these bitches, and then these zombies tear their heads off and start eating their livers out of their bodies.

ZOMBIES BE UP IN MY SHIT, and I’m SICK of it. Go get a shovel, ima go get my hair gel, and we’re gonna kick these motherfuckin zombies in the TEETH, if they got any.

For real. We’re gonna kill it. Literally.

i can’t tell you how badly i wanted to hear this guy say “zombies be up in my shit”. Many Fiverr sellers will clarify in their gig description whether or not they’ll perform a script with profanity in it. This guy stayed mum, so i figured it was alright. What he delivered to me was not only profanity-free, but stripped of every single Jersey Shore nod i’d written into the script:



A Buyer Scorned

i asked the seller if he could do a re-shoot, because he was way off the script. i explained that profanity, the hair gel gag and the guido thing were all bits i’d gleaned from watching Jersey Shore clips. “The Happenstance” was a spoof of the Jersey Shore character “The Situation”. i said if the profanity or anything in the script bothered him, i’d gladly work with him to do a mutually acceptable re-write.

As with many other Fiverrers, i didn’t get a response. Once these guys get their five dollars (four dollars after Fiverr takes their cut), there’s no incentive to respond to a buyer. Best to just wait out the twelve days beyond which a buyer’s customer service complaint will be ignored.

I can't hear you otter

If you’re planning on working with people on Fiverr, my best tip is this: if the seller doesn’t deliver the goods to your satisfaction, request a redo. Give the seller a maximum of three days to respond, and then hit up customer service. The whole process favours Fiverr and the seller (except for the fact that it’s a measly five dollars). You need to get your claws out to keep from being bilked out of your money – even small amounts of it.

Blood from a Stone

Continuing along on this trend of milking the most value i possibly can out of these videos, i gave this one a long think. i decided that if it was truly a Jersey Shore-style video, it needed Jersey Shore-style profanity – otherwise, what’s the point? Was it a funny or entertaining video as-is? Not really.

So taking a tip from Jimmy Kimmel, i jazzed the clip up with a little unnecessary censorship:


NOW he’s killin’ it.

Down to Shiggity

My return to Jersey dented The World’s Most Meager Marketing Budget to the tune of another five bucks. Here’s the shopping list as it stands:

Original investment: $100

Spent:

* ZombieGameWorld tagline voiceover – $5
* Show Us Yer Bewbz! – $5
* Zombie Funk – $5
* Advertising on Some Dude’s Car – $5
* Zombie Self-Defense: American Version – $5
* Zombie Self-Defense: Russian Version – $5
* Zombies Attack the Jersey Shore – $5

Remaining: $65

Spielbergin’ It Up

With my Fiverr video experiment, i expected to be able to post the clips as-is with no need to doctor them. Things changed dramatically when i found i had to add animation and sound effects to make the movies halfway watchable. The next Fiverrer i contacted told me she could shoot in front of a green screen. Without considering how much work i was about to create for myself, i said “sure!” The resulting video is in the next post.

Pimp My Portal

18 thoughts on “Pimp My Portal Part 10: Return to Jersey

    1. Ryan Henson Creighton

      Thanks for reminding me, Gabriel! i’ll be sure to add an update on the next post.

      – Ryan

      Reply
  1. paul

    I would love to be an interm, however Im 30, live in the UK, and have a job…..please dont hold these factors against me.
    I have been able to dress myself for the last 24.5 years……….
    I was a zombie for 3yrs of my late teens – So you could class this as work experience?

    Reply
    1. paul

      I wrote this on the wrong page…….Doh IDIOT! – Look…look a pigeon over there (distractions)(runs away and hides)

      nb No pigeons were harmed during this diversion.

      Reply
  2. Yanco

    Hey Ryan,

    I love your series Pimp My Portal. Actually it got me inspired to create my very first flash game (well I actually created a porn flash game beofre it, but, you know it was not much of a “game” as you can imagine.. well nevermind).

    It’s a Zombie Shooter/Defense game and is called “Blood, Brains & Bullets”. Not really an asskicker but I’m still kinda proud of it nonetheless.
    I would really like you to have it on your Zombie Portal thus makin both you and me millionaires in no time surely..

    The game can be played here: http://www.theurg.eu/data/games/blood-brains-bullets/
    or ZIP with the SWF and Details and Screenshots can be downloaded here:
    http://theurg.eu/data/games/blood-brains-bullets/blood-brains-bullets.zip

    Anyways, thanks for insipration man, and keep up the series!
    Y.

    Reply
  3. Bubba Williams

    I absolutely love this. Yeah, I can identify, as I am a portal owner myself. Funny enough, I have tried some of the “techniques” you have mentioned here and had similar results. I can’t thank you enough for the entertainment here. It’s been awhile I’ve read something so amusing. Keep it up, please.

    Reply
      1. Bubba Williams

        I wish. I’ve been using faseeo.com to help pimp any new games in my portal. It has helped some, visitation is on the rise. I’ve been using fiverr and fourerr to get articles, blogs and reviews written. I’ve employed a friend of mine to begin writing game reviews for my site, so I can have more content for the SE’s. I tried doing the backlink thing early on, paid 45.00 for 5000 backlinks, trouble is, the majority of them were on pages that had nothing to do with games, flash, nothing, so Google doesn’t give them any weight to improve my ranking. My site just went up to PR2, which I am grateful for, but, like every other portal owner, I need visitors playing games and clicking ads. It took me 9 months on another site to reach the $100.00 Google adsense payout level. I was jazzed about that, I think it’s finally sinking in that there is no foolproof way to get visitors period.

        This is a competitive niche, and for the majority of us who are trying to make some beer money, it’s hard work and constant, constant marketing that is going to get us a pint.

        Reply

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