This series documents my adventures in ultra low-budget, grass roots marketing attempts to drive traffic to my game portal sites, with the hopes of breaking even at $33 a month. For other articles in the series, visit the Pimp My Portal special feature page.
My first foray into buying five dollar video testimonials from Fiverr.com was with a Fiverrer named “elle2″. Here’s her Fiverr gig:
Shhh … you had me at “i’m a college student”
After watching another video of elle2′s, i thought her name was Carolyn Spencer, until i realized that someone had paid her five bucks to record a video saying “Hi, i’m Carolyn Spencer”, which the person then uploaded to Fiverr to promote his own gig. How meta!
My Will Be Done
Let me start off by saying that buying elle2′s gig was a filthy thrill. At the risk of sounding like much more of a gigantic letch on this blog than i actually am, i’ll admit i’ve got a thing for smoking hot brunettes who will do or say anything i ask them to in a video for five dollars. But i’m weird like that.
After watching elle2 in action, i wrote a quick script for her. i decided it would be a waste to not make reference to her obvious hotness, so i wrote the script as if she’s just a regular old girl on YouTube, who happens to be posting her videos during the zombie apocalypse. Naturally, she gets the requisite number of creepy comments from skeevy dudes (like me) that we’re all used to seeing on YouTube, so she decides to tell the guys in no uncertain terms what it’s gonna take to get into her good books. Let’s watch:
Empowering, don’t you think?
She’d Like to Thank the Academy?
Obviously, elle2′s not going to win any awards for her acting, and it’s blatantly obvious she’s reading a script. If i were actually directing her, i’d never let her punch “hold his OWN” like she does, and i’d smooth over some of the rough spots and pauses.
But she did this for FIVE BUCKS, people! As they say, you get what you pay for, and i think the value of having someone read your script (even poorly) and shoot a video (even with crummy sound quality) is worth as much or more than five bucks. i think she gets the jokes across well enough, and looks pleasant enough, to make this video a worthwhile venture. And it may be enough to entice the young male demographic to whom i think ZombieGameWorld most appeals. You may disagree! Let me know what you think in the Comments section.
Get Yer Tips Out
Incidentally, Fiverr shoppers racked with guilt from underpaying for their gigs can make amends by sending Fiverr people more money. Some Fiverrers set up “tip gigs” which enable you to tip them an additional five bucks as often as you like, for a job well done. i was so excited about elle2′s video (after all, she was my first), that i half-considered sending her a tip. In fact, she helpfully made the suggestion herself just after delivering the video.
Alas, elle2, as much as i wish you were talking directly to ME when you ask for a man with mad decapitation skillz, i also wish i could drain the remainder of the World’s Most Meager Marketing Budget on you. But no … that would entirely defeat the purpose of these articles. This is a SCIENCE EXPERIMENT, elle2, and i WILL NOT fall prey to your siren song … your deep, throaty voice … your shiny lip gloss …
Gah! Tie me to the mast, men. We sail onward!
… Sirens? … The Odyssey? Dammit people, read a book!
We Go Live
The next step was to create a ZombieGameWorld profile on YouTube, where this and all future ZGW videos will live. There’s surely an art to choosing the video title and tags, and surely i’m no artist, so here’s what i came up with:
title: Show Us Yer Bewbz!
description: http://www.zombiegameworld.com has over 200 zombie combat simulators so that you can bone up on your zombie-killing skills, instead of “boning up” on my videos.
Real men kill zombies.
tags: zombies zombie boobs bewbz tits free games undead zombiegameworld.com untold entertainment Flash portal
There’s probably a lot of value to having the correctly-spelled word “boobs” in the video title, and there’s really no telling how much traffic i’m missing out on by using the silly spelling. i hoped that by having “boobs” and its many variants listed as tags, i would capture the coveted perv demographic, but it’s difficult to know without a little A/B testing.
Chain of Fools
But here again, i run into the same problem i had back when i was trying to drive interest in our post apocalyptic adventure/puzzle game Spellirium: the site had no traffic, so i built WordGameWorld.com. THAT site had no traffic, so i built ZombieGameWorld.com.
And then THAT site had no traffic, so i paid five bucks for a video and put it on my brand new YouTube account, which – you guessed it – has no traffic. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly. i don’t know why she swallowed the fly. i guess she’ll die.
Eat it, Granny.
CLEARLY, the only recourse i have is to build something else in order to drive traffic to the YouTube channel. Or, i could just chill out and hope that the advice upon which i’ve predicated this whole charade bears out: that search engines love video.
Hopefully, some pervy search engine spider will be crawling YouTube for bewbz, and will come across my first video.
Hopefully, you’ll watch the video on YouTube and click that little “like” button.
Hopefully, you’ll click one of the social media buttons or the Retweet gizmo at the bottom of the page to share this post with your friends.
And hopefully, you’ll mail a crisp twenty dollar bill to my house so that i don’t have to post a single other Pimp My Portal article.
But if you’re interested in seeing what my next five dollar bill wrought, by all means: hang on to your money, and read on. My Fiverr experiment is about to get batshit insane.
And that’s a promise.