The 10 Commandments of Zombies

i get spammy requests all the time from people selling boner pills, asking me to do a link exchange. That’s where they link to Untold Entertainment, and i link to their link-filled trashy boner pills website, all for the purpose of mutually boosting our search engine standing with the likes of Google.

Usually, i’m too smart to fall for this. Linking to boner pill sites is a great way to fall out of favour with Google and friends, not to mention your readership. But a few weeks ago, someone named “Britney Baker” wrote me up and asked if she could write a guest post for my blog. In exchange, i’d link to her pre-paid cell phone site.

i knew this was equally as bad an idea as promoting boner pills, but i admit that the allure of having someone write content for me, as i struggle to keep the blog current and interesting, was appealing. So i decided to have some fun with her: i used the LinkBait Generator, the subject of my failed LinkBait Tuesdays experiment from a few months ago, to crank out a number of absolutely impossible article topics. If Britney could tackle any of these, she could have the guest article:

  • Nickelback and the occult
  • 8 ways Facebook has been involved in political scandals
  • 6 depraved sexual fetishes involving chick flicks
  • The 5 scariest international spies of all time
  • The 10 commandments of zombies

The easiest one was the zombie article, of course. i threw that in there because there’s a connection to our awesome game portal Britney chose this one. So to be completely clear: i can’t vouch for the content or advice over at Britney’s site But here’s Britney’s take on what thou shall and shalt not do when you are among the living dead:

The 10 Commandments of Zombies

1. Thou Shalt Eat Brains

All brains and nothing but brains. Red brains, blue brains, smart brains, goo brains. No zombie shalt discriminate against any perfectly edible brains before it (which are any brains before it with the exception of cold dead brains, which are just plain disgusting).

2. Thou Shalt Let Nothing Stand In Thy Way

Neither fast-moving vehicle nor 100-foot drop; not sharp-pointy object nor scalding acid nor maw of violent vicious beast shall keep a zombie from its course. Always and without exception, a zombie shalt either reach its target or kill itself trying.

3. Thou Shalt Feel No Pain

Pain is for the living (a condition fortunately, and unlike zombiehood, not contagious). Besides, pain and feelings are concepts. A zombie knows not of “concepts”.

4. Thou Shalt Be Vile

All zombies must turn heads, in the opposite direction. A zombies shalt look hideous and smell revolting. (It’s not a beauty contest, honey.) If a human shalt cast eyes upon a zombie and not be totally grossed out, that zombie is not taking enough care with its looks.

5. Thou Shalt Be Incomprehensible

The only words permitted to come forth from the flaps of decayed flesh that once were lips and tongue are, “Rrrrraawwwwrrrr,” and “Yeeeeeaaaaauugggghhhhh,” and “Blehhhhhhhhhhhhhh”!

6. Thou Shalt Walk Funny

No zombie may perambulate, and certainly not upright. All zombies must slouch and lumber and lurch and hobble and limp, lest they be mistaken for a politician and appointed to public office.

7. Thou Shalt Hesitate Before Eating Familiar Faces

Thou shalt eat them never the less (unless thou be kilt from hesitating). But in the presence of a familiar face or a voice recognized from one’s otherwise utterly obliterated human past, thou must pause like an idiot, tilt thy head like a bewildered dog, and in many cases, as a result, be the implausible instrument of their own extermination.

8. When Michael Jackson’s Thriller Comes On The Radio, Thou Shalt Stop Whatever Thou Be Doing And Dance

During which time, and only at which time, shalt humans be reprieved as food and used instead as unwilling dance partners. A zombie must also remain PG (and PC) whilst this zombie anthem is playing, refraining from baring any R-rated body parts or engaging in any R-rated violence. After the song ends, however, all hell must break loose once again and brain-eating must immediately re-commence.

Michael Jackson as a zombie

Michael Jackson as a zombie, and Michael Jackson starring in “Thriller”

9. Thou Shalt Leave Babies, Puppies, and Kittens Alone

No, thou shan’t. Just kidding.

10.Thou Shalt Not Be A Zombie

No zombie shalt know itself as a zombie, as zombies are forbidden from comprehending the word or concept of the word zombie, so help thee George Romero. The only thing thou shalt be is hungry.

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