i’ve never (voluntarily) grown a beard or a moustache before. Puberty kind of imposed a weak ‘stache on me in my junior high days, and since i didn’t have a dad around to teach me how to shave my face, it kind of overstayed its welcome. Then later, in high school, i decided to try growing a beard, but one of the student council kids, Joey Testosterone, ribbed me about it mercilessly. i went home and shaved it off that very day.
A few years later, i landed a bit part in a community theatre production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Who’s That Guy in the Background Trying to Grow a Beard?. It looked as though i had once had a full beard, but was then tragically mauled by a mountain lion and patches of it had been eaten.
Flash forward to today. It’s the end of Movember, the month when dudes grow beards to raise awareness for Cancer of the Balls and Cancer of That Other Thing, and mens’ health in general. The folks at my church are holding a creative moustache growing competition tomorrow, and the prize is a pair of Leafs tickets. i couldn’t care a fig about hockey, but the moment someone says “creative competition”, i’m in, and i’m in deep.
A creative moustache growing competition is more of a creative moustache grooming competition if you think about it. To that end, i figured it would be wise to grow as much hair on my face as possible, without risking the townspeople loading up their shotguns with silver bullets. So i decided to lay some follicular groundwork – the raw slab of marble from which my masterpiece would be hewed.
An hour later, with the help of my wife and resident manscaper, armed with scissors and a safety razor (NOT electric clippers, which would be like winning the Olympic 100-meter dash with a bionic leg), we gingerly chipped away at it until we got exactly the effect we were hoping for.
i call it “The Blustery Day”.
December 1st is my birthday, at which point the moustache goes out and the presents come in (i am registered at Toys ‘R’ Us, in case you’re racking your brain trying to think of what to get me). It was an amusing adventure, and while the beard gave me a distinct confidence boost after the first two awkward weeks, it still felt like i was being stabbed in the face by thousands of microscopic men with tiny little spears. A face phalanx. A facelanx. i dunno. i’ll be glad to get rid of it, anyway.
For the entire month, Untold Entertainment’s team of one has raised exactly zero dollars in the name of mens’ health. We didn’t take donations. (It’s not too late to kick a couple of bucks over to people who did!) But consider this a promise that in future years, the Untold Entertainment team is one you want to get behind with your pledges, because we’re bringing our (hairy) game faces. An Untold Entertainment moustache is money well spent.
Join us next year. And in the mean time, make sure to give the boys a jiggle at least once a day to avoid Cancer of the Cajones (AKA Huevos Canceros). Or better yet, get your loving manscaper to do it for you.
Can’t get enough of moustaches? Check out our game-in-progress Putty Crime: On the Tail of the Foxy Badger, in which every single character (including the pigeons) have lip sweaters. Good show!