Head Toward the Light(box)
i don’t mean to alarm anyone who read about my tour of the Bell Lightbox a few weeks ago, but it turns out there may be more than meets the eye to the shiny new condominium and events building.
To wit: like, zoiks!
Over the weekend, I was speaking with someone who was working construction on the building. i asked him if it was a positive experience, and he said “nah – the whole place is built on a graveyard. All the wires and stuff.” i didn’t know what he meant. “You mean it’s built on outdated technology?”
“No,” he said, “the Bell Lightbox is built on a literal graveyard. Stuff would be working one day, and then, inexplicably, it would stop working the next.”
Most of the stuff i get from Best Buy stops working a week after the warranty expires. Maybe it’s haunted too?
Who You Gonna Contact on the Telephone?
Is it true? Does the new Bell Lightbox have a poltergeist problem? And on what kind of burial ground is the the new home of the Toronto International Film Festival situated? Are these spirits harmful or helpful? Will they launch the career of a hot young starlet, like they did with Christina Ricci in Casper? Will they wreak havoc on the box office, like Bill Cosby in Ghost Dad? Will they give everyone raging boners by doing sexy pottery like Patrick Swayze in Ghost? Or will they be insidious boner-shrinkers, like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost?
My Bell Lightbox source said that the building was erected on the earthly remains of Irish potato famine victims who arrived in Toronto fleeing the crisis, and promptly died. i remember hearing a similar story about Holt Renfrew in Yorkville – that the ritzy uptown shopping district is built on the mass grave of Upper Canada settlers who died of cholera in the 1800′s. i live a few blocks from Yorkville, and i can only offer that a few of these elderly ladies get facelifts so extreme that they merely look like scraps of skin stretched across terrifyingly re-animated skulls.
Is that you, Skeletor, or is it the president of my condominium board?
So! Could the ghosts of Irish immigrants be tampering with the new theatre equipment?
Well – could they? i’m no expert in spooks, so i’d like to crowdsource a definitive answer on this by the end of the week, folks.
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In the 1920s Alfred Watkins first introduced us to the concept of Ley Lines as supernatural lines of mystical power that crisscross the earth. Ancient man intuitively understood the dark forces that emanated along these lines and erected monuments like Stonehenge and the Pyramids to mark the locations where spiritual evil spilled into our world.
I’m just saying that if you Google map Telefilm Canada, The CBC and Bell Lightbox it forms just such a line. A vortex of dark power from which no tax payer dollar can escape!
You might want to move the Untold Entertainment offices a few blocks west for your safety.
On the other hand it is a great opportunity to break out the old Craig T Nelson impersonation and run around the lobby during TIFF screaming, “You moved the headstones but you didn’t move the bodies!”
Bwakathaboom – your satire is delicious.
Ahh, it’s just the ghosts of any Canadian film talent.
That and the dead dreams of any actors that didn’t move to the states.
Here. I will ‘boo’ myself.
booooooooooooooo….
Robertson – Oh, snap!