Apple debuted their new device today, a large-format iPod Touch that they’re calling the iPad.
The first thing that may come to mind when you think of the word “pad” is “menstrual pad”, which is a spongy mesh-covered product that ladies put in their underpants to blot the flow of blood from their periods. Nearly all post-pubsecent, pre-menopausal women experience their menstrual period approximately every twenty-eight days. Over half of the world’s population is female, so menstrual periods are experienced by, were experienced by, or will be experienced by about three billion human beings on this planet.
This is a picture of a menstrual pad:
Are you coping with this so far?
So my question for you, world – and particularly the nerdy male tech press that will cover the iPad – is this: are you over it? Can you get past the fact that one definition of the word “pad” describes the rag that women put in their underwear?
Resist the Urge, Funny Man
Or do you want to be funny? Do you want to make a joke about it? Do you want to make some attempt at humour that points out the association between “iPad” and “menstrual pad”?
And if you want to be funny, i understand that. It’s very rewarding to tell a joke and to have people laugh at it. i try to be funny all the time. It makes things more interesting, and it makes me feel good when people laugh at my jokes.
But if you’re new to humour, here’s a hot tip: jokes about menstruation aren’t particularly funny. They’re actually kinda sleazy. Women, generally, don’t like them. And more evolved men don’t tend to enjoy them either.
Know who tells menstrual pad jokes? This guy.
Why You’re Not Funny
Here’s another joke-telling protip, if you’re still keen on unleashing your iPad/menstrual pad zinger on an unsuspecting world: the more obvious the joke is, the more likely it is that people have already heard it, and the less likely they are to laugh and consider you clever.
Example: Michael Jackson and the Pope walk into a bar, and … SOMETHING ABOUT MOLESTING CHILDREN!!! KA-POW!!
… Ha ha ha?
On Being a Three-Year-Old
We went through this when Nintendo released the Wii. In English, “Wii” sounds like “wee”, which is infantile slang for “urination” or “penis”. Wii jokes were old the moment Nintendo revealed the name, and iPad/menstrual pad jokes will be doubly so.
So my advice for you, fellow men – as i am a dyed-in-the-wool humourist, and someone who’s dropped more than his fair share of unfunny bombs, is this: do not make menstrual pad jokes about the iPad, or i will list you at the bottom of this post in my Unfunny iPad/Menstrual Pad Joke-Telling Douchebag Hall of Fame.
To recap: obvious jokes about feminine hygiene products are not funny, and make you sound like a dim-witted sleaze. Exception: “douchebag”, which remains both useful and hilarious.
Unfunny iPad/Menstrual Pad Joke-Telling Douchebag Hall of Fame
(go ahead – publish an article with an iPad/menstrual pad gag. i will put your name here, because you’re an idiot.)
- MadTV (a bastion of classy humour) used the iPad gag well before the product was announced (or perhaps even designed). These guys have set the sleaze bar quite high. Let’s see if anyone can top them:
- Congratulations to (apparently) everyone who uses Twitter, for making the oh-so-witty “iTampon” a trending topic:
It’s subtle, but i … i *think* i get it …
- Jezebel.com has a list of individual Twitter offenders
- npr’s Shereen Meraji apparently finds it hilarious (thanks, Amy)
i received a concerned email from Chella over at Adventures in Menstruating. At AIM, the entire schtick is built around period jokes, but Chella helped me put a fine point on it: i think what really bothers me about menstruation “jokes” is that they’re often a thinly-veiled jab at women. If Chella wants to run a thoroughly disgusting, poop report-style site starring Aunt Flo, more power to her. i hereby grant Chella amnesty from the Unfunny iPad/Menstrual Pad Joke-Telling Douchebag Hall of Fame.
i will do the same for you, if you can produce some sort of documentation proving that you are mentally challenged, either due to a birth defect or some sort of boating accident when you were younger. Otherwise, prepare to see yourself on that list. Resist the urge!!
You Are Sooo Samrt
And to those who repeat, incredulously, “iPad?? How did that escape Apple’s marketing department? Golly, they were really asleep at the switch,” i say puhLEEEZE. You must honestly think that 1. you were clever enough to come up with an iPad/menstruation joke on your own before anyone else, and 2. the marketing department of a publicly-traded, multi-schnillion dolar company that has spent millions of dollars developing this new product and building an insane amount of hype around it, never once, in all the weeks and months they spent preparing this press conference and devising their brand and marketing strategy, considered that the word “pad” also describes a feminine hygiene product.
Really? Really?? You honestly think that the lame joke you cooked up after a few minutes of grinding your grey matter gears actually evaded the attention of an entire corporation full of people? You think you’re really that brilliant? Well then … i’m not sure what to say. i’ll only assert that those who end up on the list deserve to be there. ;)